Whoa! It's been way too long since I've written on here. Wow, how to sum up 6 months worth of life. Well, second semester at NDSU was crazy but really good. We spent spring break in New Orleans cleaning out people's homes of the mess that still exists from Hurricane Katrina. It was good to bring some hope back into people's lives who were too devastated to come back and try to sort through all that mess themselves.

At the end of the semester it was really awesome being able to challenge my freshmen girls to join with me next year in a training group where they will learn how to communicate their faith. It's so great cuz a handful of them are so excited to learn and step out in faith. I have high hopes for them to be influencers on campus and for life. Next year will be fun to keep discipling them and seeing them grow, yet also having a whole new batch of freshmen that they can help me reach out to!

This summer - wow! Ryan and I got to staff a summer project to Sao Paulo, Brasil and it was so much more awesome than I expected. Honestly when we first found out we were going to Brasil, I was not too pumped. Most of the girls I knew were going to East Asia and I really wanted to be on that project, and I didn't know anyone on the Brasil team. But looking back I am so glad the Lord put us there for the summer. Our team was a blast, Brasil was amazing and I would even love to go back. It's so crazy cuz the one campus we worked at has 70,000 students and only 2 full-time laborers plus a STINT team of 4 people. They need more workers! So you can imagine, the Christian students were always trying to recruit us to come back - and with good reason! They are so sweet and they have such a heart to reach their campus and their nation. If we don't get to go back, I know I'll be encouraging others to go.

The Lord has continued to teach me what it means to love Him and spend time with Him. I'm learning the difference between spending time 'near' God and spending time 'with' God. I can have a 'quiet time' and not really engage with God - but that's not what I want. I want to be with God. Acknowledge His presence with me. It's been good. I'm growing and always in process. This summer as I've read the Word, the Lord's been teaching me more about His heart for the lost. Reading Psalm 81 I began to see that God really just wants His people to listen to them. He loves them and is waiting to abundantly bless them if they would only listen! Reading that and seeing God's giving heart has helped me see people through His eyes. He's not judging them or angry with them. He wants to bless them and give them good things, satisfy their souls, if they would only listen. Instead of being upset and frustrated with people who refuse to believe, I'm more sad for them that they are missing out on the complete satisfaction that God is holding out for them if they would but listen to His voice. 

One kid named Felipe that I talked to on the bus this summer thought God should listen to and understand his opinion that he didn't really believe in Jesus. God is merciful, he said, so He should accept what I believe about Him. So I said to Him, God has offered you this amazing gift of eternal life if you would only believe in Jesus as He said He is. But right now you are basically refusing to accept that gift. Don't you think God would be hurt if you refuse to accept this wonderful gift He has sacrificed to give you? I'd never explained it that way to someone before, but after I said it, I know it was from the Lord and maybe Felipe had never thought of it that way before. If he would just listen and believe, then the Lord would shower Him with good things and satisfy his soul.

I hope I continue to remember God's heart as I keep reaching students this fall. I don't want it to just be a job that I do every day. I want to care about the people I talk to like God cares about them and help them see that God truly loves them and wants to satisfy them if they would but listen to Him.

The rest of the summer Ryan and I are on the support-raising trail again. It's normal to have people drop off your team, and that has happened to us this year. So we need to raise a bit of support to get back up to full support so we can keep doing what we do. I pray it goes well and that the people we meet are willing and able to give to the Lord's work that He's doing through us.

Okay that's enough for now. I'll try to update again soon...

Currently Reading Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul By John Eldredge, Stasi Eldredge see related

God is so faithful to answer prayers. I just have to remember what He taught me today. I am realizing that my heart was going astray in that I was doing, doing, doing but not really loving God. So I asked God to show me how to turn things around, what He means by loving Him. So I was reading the 2nd chapter of Captivating and the Lord moved me to tears with these thoughts (my paraphrase):

God created woman with a strong desire for relationship. Especially the desire to be wanted, pursued, sought after, adored, and loved. Doesn't it make sense that since I as a woman am created in His image, that God has those same desires in His heart? God not only wants me to know His love for me, but He wants to be loved BY me. He wants to be wanted, He wants to be pursued, He wants to be sought after and adored and chosen and loved. It's all over His Word! He is constantly saying to His people, "Why won't you choose Me?" "Return to me!" "Love the Lord your God!" "Seek Me and you will find Me if you seek Me with all your heart." Martha and Mary. Jesus said Mary chose what was better. SHE CHOSE HIM. SHE WANTED HIM. Oh, how I was missing that. Oh, how I was missing God's heart. He longs to be longed for, or as A.W. Tozer put it, "God waits to be wanted." Somtimes I think of God as so "otherly" - holy, majestic, heavenly, etc. (which are true), but I forget that He made me LIKE HIM. He wants to be loved and He wants me to choose to have an intimate relationship with Him, just like I want to be loved and have an intimate relationship with those close to me.

When I read that, it made SO MUCH SENSE. I definitely recognize my desire to be loved and wanted and longed for. I always want that from Ryan! God let me FEEL His heart this morning. And He is slowly teaching me what it really means to love Him. He is so sweet to answer when I call to Him. He truly cares about me. What a loving God. I do want You, Lord. I do choose You.

Okay so I haven't updated in a long time. I'm so bad at keeping up with this stuff. I used to be real good at writing in my journal and stuff...now I'm just a slacker. So okay, here's the latest from my life....

Let's see....where to begin....the last few weeks of the first semester were kind of downers for me. I was drained and tired and ready to be done. Now that I look back I see I had it all backwards, pretty much the whole semester. At TCX last week (by the way, so fun, so glad it's part of my JOB!), Crawford Loritts preached on Revelation 2:2-5 (Jesus' letter to the church in Ephesus), and God totally pierced my heart that I have been falling into the same mistakes myself. Jesus might be able to praise me for being moral and living uprightly, yet I have really left the love I had for Him at first. So many times I've gone running out the door in the morning all the way to climbing in bed at night without giving more than 5 minutes to say a word to my loving Savior. Sure I've seen awesome things happen as I've been busy doing ministry, but I've gotten so busy "doing ministry" that I've forgotten to remember Christ and His love for me, and my love for Him in the process. As Crawford would say, I've gotten "too cute" for my own good. NO WONDER I was so tired out at the end of the semester. I was trying to do everything on my own effort. Sure I've heard John 15 - "I am the vine, you are the branches, apart from me, you can do nothing" - plenty of times, but I really truly need to believe that and act on it. Train myself to abide in Him.

Now I see that I'm not just here to impart knowledge from the Bible to these girls. I'm not here to just go through materials and resources with them. I'm not here to be strategic. I'm here to FIRST know Christ, and then make Him known. I don't want my girls to just know what the Bible says, I want to see their lives transformed by the love of Christ. I want them to know Him better as a result of knowing me. But if I'm not abiding in His love, then how are they supposed to get to know Him by being around me?

So just like the Ephesians, I need to repent and do the works I was doing at first. Be with Jesus. Spend time with Jesus. Think on who He is, what He's done in my life. Work on that relationship first. Thankfully God doesn't expect me to be more mature than I am at this moment. I could get really frustrated with myself and wish I was better than I am, but I have to believe that God is not upset with me. Another TCX speaker, Carrie Walker, reminded me of yet another important truth. She posed this question: When you look at an apple that's not quite ripe, you don't get frustrated and upset with it, you realize it just needs more time to grow before it's ready to pluck and eat. Well, it's the same way with us. God's not frustrated with us because we're not "ripe" yet, we just need more time to grow before we're mature in Christ. I just need to learn to be more patient with myself. Some lessons God is teaching me.

Other random thoughts: I miss Kelley...I've been meaning to call her for the past month, but I keep forgetting to pick up the phone around 11 pm.

How can I best point my Bible study girls towards Christ this semester? I don't know what in the world to do with them...what topics to cover and stuff.

I really want to get better about loving people and caring about them and not just getting the message of the gospel out of my mouth. Sometimes I think I want so bad to see them won to Christ that I forget they are a real person with real life issues and I just move along with the message without considering them as people.

This summer is up in the air. We've been asked to go to Brazil, but that would mean having to tell Pam I wouldn't be able to stand up in her wedding. Ugh. I hate to go back on my word to a good friend, yet they need laborers to go overseas this summer. What to do, what to do. I need some guidance to make the right decision...

Okay this entry is long enough. I'll try to update again soon.

Life is definitely a roller coaster of highs and lows all mixed in together. This past week has really been that.  So I'll start with the highs I guess.

I got to go to Life Options conference in Minneapolis this past weekend and hear from Roger Hershey, who is an amazing man I respect and owe part of my reason for joining full-time ministry. He spoke about having an eternal perspective and even though the talks were geared at upperclassmen students, helping them make godly decisions and consider how they fit into God's plan, his words encouraged me as well. I was reminded of the great hope I have in the truth that Jesus is coming back to reign as King one day, and I long to hear Him say to me, "well done, my good and faithful servant." I was reminded of the need for laborers and the fact that most likely the reason the gospel hasn't reached all the nations yet is because many of us who are called to go to the world simply don't heed the call, but instead opt for what's comfortable. It was a challenging message to hear. It gave me encouragement that even in the tough times in ministry, I'm in it for a reason, because God wants these students to be worshippers of Him who is worthy. I also got to go to a Shane & Shane/David Crowder Band concert on Monday night - it was awesome. I haven't had that much fun jumping around and singing my heart out in a long time. It was fun to worship and enjoy Jesus with these awesome bands!

Okay so now for the lows...in the midst of God teaching me good things, there have been some really hard things lately, too. Last Thursday I found out that one of the new believers I've been following up with was taken to the hospital because she was suicidal. She was on psych watch for the weekend and I guess she's doing okay now, but it was such a shock because I had no idea. It's still hard for me to know how to reach out to her and love her and show her God's infinite love for her after knowing all this happened this weekend.  And last week I joined the ever-popular Facebook, and I feel like so far it's done more bad than good for me. Not only did I waste hours I could have used a whole lot more productively, but it opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I was nieve about with the girls in the dorm I work in. So many of them are a part of drinking groups, have pictures of non-sober parties they were at in their photo albums, and quotes about their lives that just make me so sad. It's hard for me to know how to really reach them. I mean, I'll go and talk with them and they won't tell me any of this stuff. Do they really want Christ, or is it just them being nice to me since I "work for Cru?" If I keep pursuing them and inviting them to things and trying to talk with them, do they see me as a pest, or do they really want to know more of God and His plan for their lives? I just see so much double-mindedness going on. Yeah, I want to come to Bible study but gosh, I just have too much homework. But when it comes to a party on Friday night, I've got plenty of time for that. And I hate to be judgmental. I can't because I know that there's a deeper need behind the behavior. And I am just as sinful as any of them. I know it. I already sinned today. I'm no different. I just don't know how to get into their lives and be real and get down to the real stuff. My biggest frustration is that I just don't have enough time to really get to know and befriend a lot of these girls who I want to. And I'm frustrated with myself in that I've been moved to pray for them, but still haven't spent much time praying for them anyway.

Well, I guess that's where I'm at right now. I realize I need to keep the perspective that I'm only one person and I can't do it all. And that even though I feel inadequate and at a loss for how to reach these girls for Christ at times, I have to trust that even in my sinfulness and confusion, God will somehow use me for His glory. Sometimes that's hard for me to believe, but I look at the Bible and I have to choose to believe it or my feelings, and I know which I must choose. I will not leave Jesus, even though it's hard to follow Him sometimes. In Peter's words, where else would I go? He alone has the words of life.

Yeah, God is still good. When is He not? So I just have to praise Him for all He is teaching me and doing in my life and here on campus. First of all He's been teaching me a lot about myself. I took a spiritual gifts test and found out that I have the gift of evangelism. Which is funny to me because for the longest time that was the hardest thing for me to do. I was SOOOO shy and nervous and scared about it. But God has brought me a LONG way. Now I love sharing the gospel, and I've been seeing God use me to bear much fruit! Praise Him that 13 girls in Weible have come to Christ so far! Even today I get to meet with Jill and Mary and Meghan who just came to Christ last week. We did QUEST surveys on campus last week and these three girls prayed to receive Him after we went through the survey and shared the KGP booklet with them. Freshmen girls from my Bible study were with me and are going to come with me to follow up with them today. That has also been exciting - seeing my freshmen girls in Bible study so pumped up to share their faith. Wow. It inspires me to see them so on fire for God to use them.

Some sad news - Shoko dropped out and went back home to Japan this past weekend without a lot of notice. So I wasn't able to get her address or anything to get her connected with some believers in Japan. But she says she's coming back to NDSU next year. I sure hope I can get in contact with her next year and that she still wants to learn more about Jesus and the Bible.  I pray the Holy Spirit will still be working in her life as she's back home and that she would be drawn to keep reading her Bible.